rantings of a depressed optimist

So life hasn't turned out the way I thought it should...at all!
I half expected to be planning a wedding my now (for May, of course) because SURELY I would be married by the time I graduated college and not a moment after. Too bad I've only dated one miserable boy and right now there aren't even any prospects.

Not that it has absolutely nothing to do with me. Lately I've been so consumed with my ridiculous job that I have barely had the time to see people that I've known all my life...much less meet a cute new stranger.

I've been sick the past WEEK too. I've kinda taken it to the extreme though and recoiled from any form of socialization. Taken advantage of the opportunity to be depressed and feel sorry for myself.

Also the one thing in life that I was sure about, convincingly sure about since childhood, was that I wanted to be a teacher. I always knew the job would be hard and the pay would be shitty, but I sincerely thought that I could make a difference in the world- that if I could positively effect the life of just one small child, that my career would be worthwhile. But I've been at it now for about 5 weeks and I sincerely HATE it! Sure, there are alot of negative factors to consider. The most predominant being that I filled the position of another teacher half-way through the year. I'm also teaching 4th grade, which is more of a nightmare than I'd imagined....I really don't have the patience, and in a really poor school.

Perhaps next year, if I can move schools and grades. Maybe teach middle school language or history...maybe then I'll love it. Maybe I just wasnt really for the responsiblity. Maybe I never expected to really teach for very long...I really wanted to be a sweet little wife. BLAH! Only 14 weeks left though!!! PTL!!

Maybe the root of my problem is my own self pity. There are plenty of people out there dealing just fine with their broken dreams. Why do I have to so damn dramatic about it all? I don't even feel like myself anymore. The sinus infection I've had for the last week must be the cause of that, right?